Helping a child who’s being bullied
Insights from our therapist Lauren Dean
Anti-Bullying Week reminds us that bullying doesn’t just happen in schools – and it doesn’t always end when the school day finishes. It can happen anywhere, and its effects can last long into adulthood.
To understand how bullying impacts children and young people, and how we can help, we spoke with our therapist Lauren Dean, who works closely with children and families at Kids Inspire.
The hidden impact of bullying
“It typically reduces their self-esteem. It can make them feel vulnerable and insecure, unloved, dirty and confused.”
“It typically reduces their self-esteem,” says Lauren. “It can make them feel vulnerable and insecure, unloved, dirty and confused.”
Many children begin to hide parts of themselves to avoid being picked on.
“They’ll start to hide parts of themselves… If you ignore any part of yourself, you diminish, you become depleted and not authentic.”
Lauren explains that this hiding can lead to a loss of identity - children forget who they were before the bullying started.
“When you begin to separate from parts of yourself to stay safe, you can lose that sense of who you are. You stop showing up as yourself.”
Spotting the signs
Children don’t always tell adults they’re being bullied - their behaviour often changes in subtle ways.
Some “shy away from the world, make themselves as small and invisible as possible,” says Lauren. Others respond differently - “If you can’t beat them, join them.”
Bullying can lead to anger and confusion that spill over at home. “You do see children then trying it out on their little brothers and sisters or people that are more vulnerable than them.”
Bullying can happen anywhere
Bullying isn’t limited to the playground. Lauren mentions that it can also happen:
on buses or travel routes to school
online, through platforms like Discord, Snapchat and TikTok
at their first part-time jobs (for older children)
even within families, such as between siblings.
Recognising this helps adults support children wherever they spend their time.
Why children sometimes repeat unkind behaviour
Sometimes when a child has had something unkind said or done to them, they’ll repeat it with someone else - not to be cruel, but to try to understand what happened.
Lauren explains that this kind of behaviour is often unconscious:
“You do see children go, ‘Well hold on a minute, I’m not sure if I was supposed to like that,’ and they just try it out on somebody else… ‘oh, no, they don’t like it either’.”
By “testing out” the behaviour, children are learning about boundaries and what’s acceptable. Our calm, consistent responses help them realise that some behaviours hurt others - and they don’t need to repeat them to understand that.
Talking to children about bullying
It can be hard for children to put feelings into words. Lauren suggests using metaphorical distance and creative approaches like drawing, stories or music to help.
“Children can do that way easier than they can go ‘I’m identifying feelings of anger and sadness’.”
With teenagers, open-ended questions can encourage reflection without being direct, such as:
• “What felt good at school today?”
• “What didn’t feel so good?”
Talking openly about bullying helps children understand that they’re not alone - and that many people have experienced something similar, even as adults.
“Once something’s dark and in the shadows and we ignore it… it becomes this sinister, nightmarish type of character. If we take it out and talk about it and open it up, it becomes way less scary.”
These conversations build empathy and strengthen relationships, helping children see that it’s never too late to make things right. They also remind us that everyone involved in bullying needs understanding and support - both those who are bullied and those who bully.
Help children feel empowered
When adults step in to help, it’s easy for a child to feel powerless - like the problem has been taken out of their hands. But Lauren says:
“You want to empower your children to deal with those conflicts on their own… Otherwise they just fall into victim and you very much want them to be the hero of their story.”
That doesn’t mean they have to face it alone. It means helping them think about what they’d like to happen next - maybe talking to a teacher, reaching out to a friend, or asking for adult support when needed.
By involving them in decisions, we help them build trust in their own voice and remind them they are strong, capable and deserving of support.
Building confidence and resilience
Rebuilding confidence after bullying takes time and care.
“Extracurricular activities are really important for building camaraderie, teamwork, building strong friendships,” Lauren says. Clubs and creative groups help children feel they belong outside the classroom.
Parents and carers can also help by reaffirming that the bullying wasn’t their fault.
“Ensuring that they understand this wasn’t them, they didn’t ask for this. This was something that was put on them.”
Lauren often helps children explore who they are beyond the bullying.
“It’s about helping them see themselves as a whole person rather than parts of a person.”
Activities like describing themselves through colours, drawings, or pretend “ingredients” in a recipe help children reconnect with their sense of self. They can include fun things, like hobbies or interests, alongside more difficult parts - anxieties, anger, or personal losses.
Acknowledging all these pieces helps children see themselves as a complete, whole person. This approach is rooted in object relations theory, developed by Melanie Klein.
Supporting a child through bullying isn’t about quick fixes - and you don’t need to have all the answers. It’s about encouragement, honest conversations, and helping them rebuild trust in themselves and others.
Remember this:
If you think a child or young person is being bullied:
· stay calm and listen. Let them talk in their own time, without rushing to fix it.
· ask open questions. Help them reflect on what’s happening rather than pressuring them to talk.
· use creative tools. Drawing, reading or music can help them express feelings safely.
· reassure them. remind them it’s not their fault.
· keep communication open. Check in regularly, even when things seem fine.
· encourage connection. Team activities, hobbies and friendships can rebuild self-esteem.
· work together. Ask what support they’d like and involve them in decisions.
Every time we talk about bullying, we take away some of its power.
By helping children feel understood and supported, we remind them they’re not defined by what’s happened to them - and they can find their way back to themselves.